How men and women are different causes endless consternation and debate—including how we believe our partners should think and be. Today and in the next two blog posts, I am going to talk about the fascinating ways in which we differ as men and women.
Before I get into it, let me say that I will state generalities about men and women. If you do not think that you or your partner fits any of my generalities, you certainly know yourself and your partner better than I. None of us fits all generalities about our sex.
Also, my generalities may not fit individuals who identify in gender nonconforming ways. Although I am sensitive to their experiences, I will address this short blog post to traditional male-female sex differences.
This month, I highlight three differences in emotional processing between the sexes.
Difference #1. Men tend not to want to process emotional content, whereas women prefer processing emotional content.
To illustrate this first difference, think of two men interacting with one another. Men generally do not want to talk about emotional issues or in emotional terms. In fact, it can be thought of as “sissy” or “unmanly” to be emotional or to express it to another man. This tendency carries over to interactions men have with women. The “boys don’t cry” syndrome is alive and well in men.
By contrast, women by and large want to process emotional content. They talk with their female friends about what is going on with them and compare notes. A woman also desires discussion about emotional topics with her partner.
And herein lies the rub. Because men do not want to process emotional issues, women frequently become starved for this aspect in a relationship. After all the emotional content of the initial, romantic time in the relationship, the woman does not get what she needs. The man downshifts and motors along in his natural, unemotional mode.
Difference #2. Men tend not to be verbal and try to figure things out in their heads. Women tend to be verbal and process problems by talking.
Okay, so let’s add this second difference. Not only do men tend not to want to process emotional content, but they also tend not to express themselves verbally. Rather, they try to figure out issues in their heads before they speak. Meanwhile, the woman, being more verbal, wants to speak, and tries to figure things out by speaking. What a mismatch! At some point, the man may wish the woman would be quiet so he could figure things out, while the woman is wondering why the man is not helping to figure things out by talking!
Difference #3. Men tend to remember the gist of emotional events. Women tend to remember the details.
Have you ever run into this one, guys? Your girlfriend or wife is talking about the time when you got into an argument and said this or that phrase that hurt her. All you can remember is the upset feelings both of you had. You don’t remember what you said. Or ever run into the same thing, ladies? You are so upset because he does not remember what happened. The man complains that “she has a memory like an elephant,” and the woman is hurt a second time because she asks, “How could he forget?”
This difference actually has been shown to result from men’s and women’s divergent brain responses. During an emotional event, the right amygdala lights up in a man and the left amygdala lights up in a woman. The amygdala in the right hemisphere of the man helps him store the gist of the event in memory. The amygdala in the left hemisphere of the woman helps her store the details of the event in memory.
So there you have three differences between men and women. Men tend not to want to process emotional content, are less verbal and want to figure things out in their heads, and remember the gist of emotional events. Women want to process emotional content, are verbal and figure things out by talking, and remember the details of emotional events. I hope knowing these differences helps you understand yourself and your partner better.
This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I say, “Vive la différence!”