Human beings love to complain. Why is this? After all, we want to be happy, but complaining generally keeps us in a bad mood. There are a half dozen reasons that we complain, and the bad news is that two-thirds of them keep us feeling badly. Even complaining for a “good” reason must be done without crossing into negative motivations, or we condemn ourselves to negativity.
So here are the half dozen reasons why we complain, including indications about when it is a good idea to do so.
Reason 1. We complain out of self-pity and thinking we are victims.
When things do not go our way, we easily fall into victim thinking. We think, “The world is against me,” or “Why me?” Feeling like a martyr provides the benefit of self-indulgence. If we feel sorry for ourselves, somehow that makes us feel better, even though feeling sorry for ourselves is an unhappy way to feel. Also, self-pity can yield the odd benefit of making us think we are special or better than others, if we have it worse than they do.
Reason 2. We complain to get others’ attention.
Sometimes we want others’ attention when we feel miserable. We are social animals, and getting others’ attention can make us feel better. As children, we learned to cry out to get our parents’ attention, and “crying out” through complaining is what we continue to do as adults. It is great if the other person listens, but even better if they are sympathetic. Then we also get our self-pity validated.
Reason 3. We complain as a way to connect with other people.
People love to complain and have others get into agreement with them. In fact, often one person complains and then the other person gets permission to tell his or her own pet peeve or awful experience. This provides a common basis for the two people to connect. As social beings, connection is so important that we often find common ground through sharing negativity.
Unfortunately, we are less likely to seek connection by relating positive experiences. It seems that most often we need to trust another person before we will share and connect with positive thoughts and experiences.
Reason 4. We complain to make ourselves seem superior or to shift blame.
When we complain about another’s actions or ideas, we imply that we know better. We are superior and they are inferior. We are right and they are wrong. Complaining about how the other person is or what they have done justifies our superiority.
Similarly, complaining is useful to shift blame. Complaining about another takes the focus off us. Again, if we can make the other person wrong, implicitly our position is right. Shifting the blame keeps us from looking at our contribution to a problem, and we do not have to take responsibility.
Reason 5. We complain to ventilate.
If things are not going well, a natural human reaction is to become frustrated, irritable, or angry. Complaining about the situation helps us to get our feelings out. We get things off our chests. If one consciously complains to get through the negativity to a place of centeredness and positivity, this kind of complaining can be valuable. The trick of course is to avoid slumping into self-pity, attention seeking, seeming superior, or shifting blame as one ventilates.
Reason 6. We complain because we actually hope things will get better.
In rare cases, we raise complaints in appropriate ways and with appropriate people when we see something “out of whack,” unjust, or potentially harmful to ourselves or others. Whether we do this complaining calmly or vociferously, we do it consciously and from a centered place. The egocentricity of complaining from self-pity, attention seeking, superiority, or shifting blame is not involved.
So there are six reasons humans complain. The next time you find yourself complaining, ask yourself whether it has a pure motive of ventilation or making things better. Otherwise, you may be into self-pity, attention seeking, superficial connecting, superiority, or shifting blame.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I wish you few complaints.