We all suffer losses in life. Relationships don’t work out. We lose a loved one who passes on. Some of us even endure the death of a child. Even losing a pet can be hard.
How do we deal with loss, when things do not work out the way we wanted or expected? After the initial shock, sadness and grief set in, and we are not always good at handling them.
The first thing is to recognize that sadness and grief are natural. They are emotions to be experienced and not avoided or “gotten over.” When we appreciate or love someone or something, we get attached. Attachment is deeply rooted in our psyches as human beings. When we lose someone or something to which we have become attached, we are sad and grieve. Don’t buy into the thought or the admonition from others, “You should have gotten over it by now.”
Because sadness and grief are difficult to bear, we tend not to want to feel them. However, a distinction between separating and connecting emotions is helpful in thinking about how to deal with sadness and grief. Separating emotions separate us from ourselves and others. Connecting emotions connect us to ourselves and others.
Generally, separating emotions are the “negative” ones we do not like, such as anxiety, fear, guilt, and anger, and they are the ones we want to alleviate. Most connecting emotions are the so-called “positive” ones, such as happiness, joy, love, calmness, and gratefulness. We enjoy these emotions and wish to encourage them.
However, sadness and grief are exceptions to the distinction that connecting emotions are the ones we like and separating emotions are the ones we dislike. Although we do not enjoy them, sadness and grief are connecting emotions because they show that we have been connected to the person or being who has been lost.
Thus, sadness and grief are not just to be alleviated but are to be felt and appreciated, as are the other connecting emotions.
Three things are key to dealing with sadness and grief over loss:
- Feel
- Express
- Find meaning
Feeling means letting ourselves experience the lump in our throats, the heaviness in our chests, the tears forming around the edges of our eyes. Don’t stuff these feelings down or gloss over them. Feeling our sadness and grief honors the connection that has been. In fact, the feelings of sadness and grief are a part of releasing the attachment, of letting go. You can even help yourself to feel your grief by looking at a picture of the person, holding and treasuring an object they gifted you, or simply recalling memories of them.
Expressing our sadness and grief means crying if we want to. It means talking to another person who is good at listening about what the person was like and what they meant to us. Expressing can also mean writing or journaling about the person and the feelings you have about them being gone. Expressing can mean creating a memorial service, a ritual, or a shrine. Expressing may mean talking to the person in private moments.
Finding meaning means looking back and finding what the person brought into your life and how you changed because of them. It may mean recognizing the contribution they made to others and the world. It means coming to terms with why they are gone and why the world is still a good place with them departed from your life.
If we can do these three things with sadness and grief, feel, express, and find meaning, we find our connection to that person or other being that has been lost. We learn to live without the presence of the person or being whom we loved. And, of course, because they have changed us, they are never completely gone.
This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next post, I wish you the ability to stay connected to the person or being you loved that may no longer be in your life in the way he or she was.