What do we do when we think back on someone who was dear to us, but the relationship did not last or the person passes on? What do we do, when a loved one leaves us against what we had hoped, and we hold onto the love? We can wish for what once was, but that does not change the person being gone. What do we do when the loved one parts, but our love doesn’t die?
I have run into this question both with people whose spouses have passed away and with people whose partners left relationships that did not work out. Perhaps the ways to adjust to these two situations are different, but let me point out a common thread. I think both situations can trigger reactions from the strong human tendency to bond with a mate. There may be no stronger bond than the attachment that one makes to an adult partner. So when the partner leaves and that departure is unwanted, the tearing asunder of that bond can rip away at the heart.
Similarly, I believe that one thing about both the loss of a spouse and the break up from a significant relationship is that one may never “get over” the loss. Such is the strength of the human attachment bond. Still, adjusting to the way things are is important for emotional health.
I think adjusting and letting go of a relationship that did not work out first of all takes time. However, if time alone does not ease the longing for the lost partner, it may help to realize that we remember the good things about the other person and the good times that we had with him or her. It can be helpful to remind oneself of the parts that were not so good and indeed may have caused the relationship not to succeed. There were reasons. If one can identify them and give them more prominence, it may help to let go.
The situation with a deceased spouse may take a different tack. I give three steps to follow in my recent post, “The Goodness of Sadness and Grief.” They are feel, express, and find meaning. Some of these steps can be helpful for relationship loss, but I recap them here in the context of loss by passing on:
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- Feeling means letting ourselves experience the lump in our throats, the heaviness in our chests, the tears forming around the edges of our eyes. Let yourself process your feelings
- Expressing means crying if you want to. It can mean talking to another person who is good at listening about the person who has passed; journaling about him or her; creating a memorial service, a ritual, or a shrine; or talking to the person in private moments
- Finding meaning means looking back and finding what the person brought into your life and how you changed because of them. It may mean recognizing the contribution they made to others and the world. It means coming to terms with him or her being gone and that the world is still a good place with him or her departed
This last piece is important whether the lost partner has left a relationship or passed on. The question is how can you appreciate and enjoy life without him or her? I think it is important to be grateful that one still has life and there are many opportunities for engagement in the world. It is important to look for these things and not get lost in the sadness and grief of the other’s loss.
So, what to do when love doesn’t die? I can only reiterate that life is good and worth living, even when it does not include the one you thought you would live it with.
This is Glenn Stevenson with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I wish you the knowledge that life is good, even without a loved partner whom you might have lost.