Why do couples argue? Is it because of money, kids, sex, the in-laws, or whether the house is straightened up or not? Or are there deeper reasons that can help us understand and disengage from arguing with the one we love most?
In this post, I want to describe to you “couples cycles,” a dynamic that occurs when each partner’s personal insecurities trigger the other person’s insecurities in a circular fashion. Couples cycles hold the key to how we can disengage from repeated, seemingly endlessly irresolvable conflict with our partners.
Here’s how a couples cycle works. Looking at a hypothetical couple, Mary and Todd, let’s say Todd has a characteristic way of speaking or behaving that bothers Mary. When Todd acts this way, Mary has an emotional reaction and says something or behaves in a way that bothers Todd. He has his own emotional reaction and behaves even more in the way that bothers Mary. Mary’s emotional response and reactive behavior get even worse, and the cycle spirals out of control. It’s a perfect pattern of pushing each others’ buttons.
There are many variations on couples cycles, but one cycle shows up often. It is based on underlying fears of abandonment in one partner and fears of inadequacy in the other. On the surface, a person with abandonment fears may insist on being listened to or getting attention, which shows up as anger when that doesn’t happen. The person with inadequacy fears may on the surface be more silent or withdrawing. This sets the stage for a classic couples cycle.
If the person with abandonment fears feels he or she is not receiving enough attention or the other person is pulling away, he or she can get upset, angry, or push for more attention. The person with fears of inadequacy hears the anger or urgent tone and believes they are not doing the right thing and are not good enough. They think that to calm the other person down, they need to back off or withdraw. This triggers greater abandonment fears in the first person, and so the cycle continues.
It is all the more tragic because most often, each partner has no idea they have underlying abandonment or inadequacy fears. They think they are arguing about the kids, money, the in-laws, or whatever.
The key to stopping couples cycles is to know and recognize one’s insecurities. Thus, if the person with abandonment fears knows that when their partner withdraws, it does not mean they are going to leave the relationship and leave them all alone. They can quiet their own fears and not be angry, insistent, or pursuing. It helps to know that their partner is withdrawing because of their partner’s insecurities.
Similarly, if the person with inadequacy fears knows their partner’s anger or insistence for engagement is not really about them being at fault or screwing up, they can quiet their own inadequacy fears and not need to withdraw so much. It helps to know that their partner is being angry or demanding because of the fears of abandonment their partner has, not because the second person is inadequate, unworthy, or at fault.
Knowing our underlying insecurities does not make them go away, but managing them can make us feel better and our relationships easier. This is what is behind the well-known idea that if we can grow more whole in ourselves, we can be involved with someone more whole as well.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I wish you growth in areas where you may feel less secure, and greater harmony in your relationships.