I had a conversation years ago with someone about how life doesn’t always turn out how we thought it would.
We have expectations about how we thought things would go, about what we would do, about what we would have, about whom we would be with, about how things would be once we accomplished something we had worked for. And it doesn’t turn out that way!
Instead we get something else.
As I was talking with this person, he related how he had not gotten what he had expected. Instead, he got something else. He declared, “That wasn’t in the catalog!”
I laughed loudly, because I knew exactly what he meant.
What are examples of things “that weren’t in the catalog?”
- You get in a relationship or get married and expect the other person to be a certain way, and they’re not
- Your get a good job but there are things that come with it that aren’t so wonderful— a micromanaging boss, backbiting coworkers, too much paperwork, too little pay, or …
- Your children are far more difficult than you expected
- You want children and can’t have them
- You get ill with a major illness
- You get an education and find out you don’t want to do what you’re trained for
- You build a business and find it doesn’t work the way you thought
I’m sure if you think of your own life you can think immediately of at least one thing “that wasn’t in the catalog.”
So what do we do when what we get “isn’t in the catalog?”
There are a number of things one can do to deal with life giving us unexpected things.
Today, I’m going to talk about three major strategies:
- Finding meaning in what has happened
- Accepting and being grateful in spite of not getting what we expected
- Making a plan and doing something
The first strategy is finding meaning in what has happened. It is far easier to deal with life as it really is if we think there is a reason for what has happened. There are two major ways that we can make meaning from unexpected circumstances.
The first is to ask what we have learned or could learn from the situation. The second is to ask how we could serve others in the situation.
So look at what you’ve got that wasn’t in the catalog and ask yourself, what have I learned? If you don’t know, what could you learn?
Or look at what you’ve got that wasn’t in the catalog and ask, “Am I serving or could I serve others by dealing with this situation?” For example, it is not what we plan for, but it is service to raise a child with a major illness or care for an elderly parent who cannot do it for themselves any longer.
Life has meaning when you are learning or serving. And often the two occur at the same time.
Also, if you cannot find meaning in what has shown up, it may be helpful to think that you’ll understand and find the meaning someday when you look back. Distance gives us perspective, and knowing that now can be comforting.
The second strategy to deal with things that weren’t in the catalog involves acceptance and gratefulness.
We have a choice when the unexpected turns up. We can either dwell on the difference between what we wanted and what we got, which creates disappointment. Or we can accept how things are, and to this acceptance, add gratefulness.
Once one has worked through to acceptance, gratefulness can be found in how things are by finding the silver lining. If not, then gratefulness for other things in our lives that we still have can be sought. In other words, to find gratitude, we may be able to find what is good and possible in what has happened, or if not, we can at least be grateful for other things in life that are good and we want.
When we are grateful, it crowds out disappointment and grousing. You can try a simple exercise that I call the “Gratitude Process.” When disappointed, depressed, or feeling down, just start thinking of all the things you are grateful for. Keep going and going. See how long it takes before you feel better.
The third strategy to face things that weren’t in the catalog is to make a plan and do something about what you’ve got!
This strategy is about creating new pages in your catalog out of what has shown up. Maybe you don’t have the relationship you wanted, but having a conversation with the other person may transform it. Maybe you’ve got a major illness, but working with others who have it will help you gain coping strategies. Maybe your work isn’t what you wanted, but you can find ways to transform it from within your workplace or maybe it’s time to look for another job or career.
So these are three strategies to deal with things “that weren’t in the catalog!”
- Find meaning in what has happened
- Accept and be grateful for what is
- Make a plan and do something about it
The first two of these strategies are about our mental attitude.
The third strategy is about action.
Counseling and coaching address these three strategies. So if you need help finding meaning, accepting and being grateful, or making a plan and doing something about it, that’s what I’m here for.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I wish you well with that thing “that wasn’t in the catalog!”