Recently, someone I have known for a long time died. I draw on this experience as well as my knowledge as a therapist to address any similar occasion you may have had.
When a loved one dies, many thoughts and feelings arise. Grief, disbelief, loneliness, regrets, guilt, fears, and even thoughts about new beginnings are all possible. Coping with them becomes as important as all the arrangements and daily tasks one must do.
Grief may be the hardest thing to deal with after a loved one’s passing. A profound sadness arises that he or she will no longer be in your life. Just days before, he or she was able to talk with you and interact with you in the familiar way. Now he or she cannot. It can be hard to believe the person is gone.
Everyone grieves differently, but I think it is important, if possible, to give ourselves time off from the normal routine. Some people want to stay busy, but I think this runs the risk of running over the sadness and other emotions. Of course, staying engaged with life and not just curling up in bed for days, weeks, or months is important, but so is taking time to let oneself feel and process the thoughts about the death. Because everyone is different, each person must find the right balance for him- or herself.
I recommend time to feel and process one’s thoughts because ignoring them can leave grief unresolved. People who do not grieve sometimes find themselves depressed or in emotional turmoil years later.
Another immediate emotion may be loneliness. There is a void where the person’s presence used to be, and one can get lonely. Filling this void through contact with friends or a pet can be helpful.
Regrets and guilt are another prominent occurrence when someone dies. You may have regrets or guilt about things you did or did not do when the person was alive. With so many people dying in hospitals these days, you may second guess decisions you made and blame yourself for the outcome. Try to soothe yourself with the knowledge that you cannot know the outcome of the path not taken. There is no guarantee that it would have been any better. We try to do the best we know, so regretting the decisions we made means we doubt our own previous best intentions and judgement.
You may also have guilt about things you did or did not do before any final illness—taking that outing you planned but never got to, completing that task around the house that would have pleased the person, telling the person that you loved them. Here it is probably best to know that the person may not have had the expectations that you are putting on yourself. Try to reassure yourself that you did your best.
Fear may also arise when a loved one dies, fear about a future without the person. He or she played a role in your life, whether it was to love you, to help you, to be a companion, or to support you financially. You may think, “Will I be able to make it without this person?” Fear is an ugly emotion that puts into question whether you will be all right. Finding ways to look at the future that reassure you that you can make it on your own or with the help of others is important.
Some practical steps to help with grieving and all the other thoughts and emotions that arise are to take extra time to be with friends and family members, whether in person or remotely. Talk through all the events, thoughts, and feelings. It can be immensely helpful just to talk to someone.
I also encourage people to write in a journal. This helps to get all the thoughts and feelings out, so they are not rolling around in your head and chest. Be good to yourself and take the time to do this.
There is a final thing that can happen as you work through the thoughts and feelings. After grief and fears have dissipated, a sense of new opening may occur. You are more on your own now, and this presents new possibilities. A new independence is possible. Death is part of the renewal of life. When a person dies, a new order can be stepped into. It affirms what the person gave you that you may live on and look at what is next for you.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching, saying that when you lose a loved one, grieve, release guilt and regrets, and conquer fear and loneliness. And once you emerge from all the thoughts and feelings, look to new possibilities, with your loved one’s implicit blessing, and step into them.