For Valentine’s Day, it is time to talk of love. What does it mean to love another and how can we better love ourselves?
I have heard that love is a decision, that it is a commitment, and it has been called many other things. But I think love involves a way of beholding another that includes several features, including the sentiment that arises from how we behold the other.
First, I think love entails appreciating who the other person is. It means to esteem, respect, and hold dear important characteristics of the other person. These can be traits like their integrity, their supportiveness, their steadiness, their spontaneity, their work ethic, their boldness, their gentleness, their loyalty, their humor, their fun-lovingness … the list goes on and on. It can even include things that one might consider undesirable, but you find endearing, such as their absent-mindedness, their lackadaisicalness, or even their obstinance. In romantic relationships, our physical attraction to the other is also part of this appreciation.
Second, I think love involves an unconditional acceptance of the other. It does not mean that you like everything about the other person—how they think or behave or everything about their appearance. But it does mean that you accept and tolerate those things you don’t like as being part of the person. You do not let it bother you that the person is this way. It does not mean you tolerate “deal breakers” for the relationship, but it does mean wide tolerance and acceptance.
Third, love means having a sense of heartfelt connection with the person. This seems to arise over time, as one’s appreciation and acceptance incubate, and a feeling of a special bond arises. For love is a feeling as well. It is a movement, a welling up in the middle of our chest that says we love this person. It is the ache in the heart for connection with them. It is the joy of watching them and appreciating them for their endearing or idiosyncratic ways. Some people wonder many years if they can love someone, but once they have had this feeling, there is no doubt any longer. It is no wonder that we associate love with the heart, because it is the heart that seems to stir when we love.
So I have talked about love of another, but we can also love ourselves. In fact, we may have difficulty loving another unless we love ourselves. So similarly to loving another, to love ourselves we must appreciate and unconditionally accept ourselves. We must have a sense of connection to ourselves. To get to this appreciation and acceptance, we must give up the negative ideas and self-condemnation we have about ourselves. Working to know that these ideas about ourselves are false opens a space for us to connect with ourselves. And then we can affirm who we really are—valuable, lovable, worthy creatures. Knowing this is to love ourselves.
So on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year, this is Glenn Stevenson, wishing you more love for others and for yourself.