What is the best way to change your partner?
Why do I ask this question? Well, after we have been in a relationship for a while, we seem to start wishing that our partners were different in one way or another. After that great time at the beginning of a relationship in which our partners seem perfect and they think we are perfect for them, we start to find things that we don’t like about them. We begin to think, “If they were only ‘such and such’ a way.” Or, “If they would only do ‘such and such,’ it would be so much better.”
We hint and we bargain. We tell them, or sometimes don’t tell them, and keep wishing. We get upset or just stew silently. We may even manipulate or demand to get them to change. Yet they just keep on being or doing “such and such.”
So what is the best way to get them to be or do what we want?
I’m going to go straight to the answer, and then I’ll talk about it.
The best way to change your partner is to change your mind about how you think they should be or what you think they should do.
On hearing this, some of you may say, “Of course. That’s a simple idea that I have heard before.” Yes, the idea is simple. But it can be hard to do.
Alternatively, some of you may still argue, “But if he would just…” or “If she would just do ‘such and such,’ things would be better.” You might be right, but the problem is that your partner is a different person than you, with his or her own opinions, quirks, and psychological processes. He or she may not want to or may not be psychologically capable of doing “such and such.”
I do recognize that some major issues can arise in relationships that do not call for you to change your mind about what is happening. Domestic violence or substance abuse are examples. However, barring major dysfunctions, the irritants, disagreements, and compatibility issues that can grow and lead to dissatisfaction or conflict may frequently be best addressed by looking at yourself first.
Let me give you an example. I know a man who was a “dog person.” He had a dog. He grew up with dogs. He was taught to make friends with every wagging-tailed canine he ran into from the time he was three. A few years ago, he met a woman who loved cats. She was so fond of them that she was well known among family and friends as a cat lover. She had three of them. When the man first became involved with the woman, her cat-loving nature was not an issue, because he liked animals. As their relationship developed, however, he ran into a small crisis when he realized that if he were to stay with her, he would be around cats for the rest of his life. And it wasn’t just being around them that bothered him. It was also the permission the woman gave her cats to jump on places, like kitchen countertops and the dining room table (where a dog would never go!) that troubled him. So there he was with a woman he had come to love and her inseparable cats. What was he to do? He initially hinted at other ways she might handle her cats, i.e., he tried to change her. Then he had a realization. He could choose his attitude toward the cats and their habits. He could choose not to like them or he could choose to be okay with them. The former would lead to discontent. The latter would lead to ease and a relationship with the woman he had come to love that was not troubled with an opinion about cats.
What was the best way to change his girlfriend’s relationship with cats? Inside his own head.
And there may be an added bonus to this approach. If you change your attitude in this way, you may make it possible for your partner to be forgiving of things he or she would rather be different in you.
This is Glenn Stevenson, with Self Sense Counseling and Coaching. Until next time, I ask you, “What attitude might you change to improve the relationship with your partner?”